Building a Deeper Connection with Kids:
Insights from Dr. Shefali Tsabary
Written by Neha Mital
Estimated reading time: 3 mins
Parenting is one of the most demanding, yet spiritual and fulfilling experiences of life. It pushes us to grow beyond our own understanding, abilities and limits - all in the service of tiny, vulnerable being who holds immense power over us, our time, love, effort, and even our sleep! Making us work our hardest even when we are absolutely exhausted and yet we do it with love and gentleness.
It is indeed humbling and transformative.
When I was expecting my first child, I came across the name Dr. Shefali Tsabary. Her first book, 'The Conscious Parent, resonated deeply with me. She combines western psychology and eastern philosophy to create a deep connection between parents and children. I still love her work and perspective.
I thought it would be beneficial to share a synopsis of some of the most valuable parenting tips from Dr. Shefali Tsabary.Emotional baggage: Dr. Tsabary emphasises the importance of addressing our own emotional baggage to create a healthier parent-child relationship.
Boundaries: She stresses the significance of boundaries amongst children it inculcates self discipline, self control and respect for others.
Self-care: Dr. Tsabary encourages parents to prioritise their own well-being to be better equipped to care for their children.
1. What is emotional baggage, and how does it impact parenting?
As people, and especially as parents, we bring not only our emotional temperament or our essence that we are born with to any given situation, we also bring our past, our conditioning, our belief systems, the ways we understand love, friendship, loyalty & connection.This is embedded in our own core while growing up and this governs the way we function in any given situation, even parenting.
Even as adults we haven't processed this emotional baggage, as we haven't consciously healed from our own past.So we tend we project this onto our relationship with our children, which could hinder a deep connection with them.
2. Why are boundaries important for parents and children?
Boundaries are like lines that establish limits and expectations and teach children self discipline, self control and respect for others. Boundaries help understand where our lane stops and others begin.
A simple example is trees... they don't cling on to their leaves when the weather changes. They let them go because they understand it's time to go. That's a boundary.
It is important that as parents, we should understand boundaries because our own behaviour teaches kids how to interact with the world around them.
3. How can parents balance their own needs with their children's needs?
As parents, we make things harder for ourselves and often make our own journey more challenging by constantly trying to prove things to their kids.
But if parents let go of control, and the need to fix, micromanage their children's moods, thoughts, social life and their future, they will add ease to their own lives.
Instead parents need to deep dive into “What is that WE are so scared of? That which makes us so controlling?
Parents need to trust that life is a good teacher. And that children learn through physical experience. They learn through their own trial and error, so all we need to do is let that happen.
4. What are some of the most common negative patterns that you've observed that parents unintentionally pass on to their children?
Parents often create unrealistic expectations for themselves. An image of perfection which is near impossible to live up to.
They constantly worry about how others perceive them and seek external validation. Wearing these masks of perfection, as super achievers, super lookers, and super wives and mothers...
When our children see us setting these high standards for ourselves, they may unconsciously adopt these standards and seek validation from others. This can be harmful because there will be times when they fail, and they need to learn to accept themselves and their imperfections.
5. So, what should we as parents teach our children instead?
It is really through our own lived example that we should teach our children. That, at the end of the day, we are ordinary and we are so amazing at being ordinary.
We need to teach our children that to accept who you are, speak your truth, don't speak somebody else's truth. Good parenting is teaching the child to think for themselves. It starts in such harmless small ways, but the implications are profound.
I thoroughly enjoyed Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s recent webinar especially her balanced views on trusting our own journey, watching and growing as people while parenting and simply allowing children to discover the best in themselves. Do share with us if you too have found the best of yourself while parenting. Write into [email protected]
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